Dancing to the music in my head…

Two weeks into month four of the Year of Healthy Living and I am learning another rather harsh lesson that I think in the end will serve me well.

After nearly 31 years, I am finally learning to say NO.

Understand that this does not come easy for me. As an avid over-achiever, southerner and a born people-pleaser there are are not many times in my life where saying no has been a real viable option for me. Sure I could have said it, but then I would have felt as if I were in some way admitting that I couldn’t do whatever was being asked to do, which is something my stubborn Taurus genes would never let me do. (My father still thinks I should have been some sort of lawyer for all the bull-headedness I possess.) Besides, it might have seemed rude.

However, as I embarked on my Year of Healthy Living, I was determined to make changes, and the leading the life of a super-mom, while praise-worthy, is also exhausting and not a lifestyle one can commit to for more than a few years at a time and expect to stay at a premium level of health.

I knew I couldn’t cut back on school being as close to being finished so I started looking to other areas for cut-backs. I realized that with as much as I had been working, I had a ton of comp time built up, time that needed to be taken. I wrestled with myself over that decision. Shorthanded at work, I felt that by taking time off I was somehow cheating people, or the agency.

I had made up my mind to take the time when a few things happened. First was a request for Earthday. I sighed as I tentatively wrote the date on the calendar then trudged down the hall to speak to a co-worker about our shared display already dreading having to do the outreach, which should have triggered something since outreach is actually one of the favorite aspects of my job.

I poked my head into my co-workers office and ran over the request with her, expecting support, maybe a sympathetic ear. Instead, she just  looked right at me and said in no uncertain terms to lose the message, that it wouldn’t kill me to say no this time. Then she went right back to working. Oh.

Since I didn’t leave right away she looked up and sighed, then explained that she had been diagnosed with shingles and that her doctor claimed that they had been brought on by stress, so she was taking steps to cut back on stress. She again went back to working. Oh.

I nodded and headed back down the hall, crumpling the message as I went. I sat at my desk and thought about what she had said. I thought about my frequent headaches, the stress brought on by the thought that I will never get everything completed in time. Well, what if I had a little less to do? Wouldn’t I feel better? Not to mention the quality of my work. Wouldn’t it increase?

So this month I am practicing saying no in various situations. At work, the extra committees will have to get along without me for now. I plan to focus on my high priorities and not much else and really do a bang-up job. At home, the phone stays off unless it is really needed. I don’t need to multi-task near as much as I desperately need to play and dance and sing and smile with my family.

I think that after a few weeks I will feel a lot less drained and a lot more relaxed, once I have introduced NO back into my vocabulary, reconnected with my inner-toddler and stamped my foot a few times to the music in my  head, the thing that started it all.